By: Tehila Strulowitz
After hearing the tragic news of a death, there are three possible reactions the bereaving person could have to our response: feel even sadder, become angry, or feel reassured that things will be okay. We, as the reactor who is not directly experiencing their exact loss, want nothing more than to miraculously attain Merlin’s wand, and magically make their sadness, pain, confusion, and grief disappear. We just want to make it better. But for some reason, a completely inoffensive, caring response seems like it’s a fictional, fantastical possibility.
With a response that knocks us loving, caring people to our knees, Litsa Williams, licensed clinical social worker and creator of an online grief community called What’s Your Grief, says that none of our well-thought-out poignant phrases, earnest lamentations, or solemn sorrow at the beginning of the grieving process “can’t make it even a little bit better.” To prove her point, Williams brought some examples of common, pithy sayings that people say and the counterexamples of the griever’s possible thoughts in response:
Well-meaning person: “He/she is in a better place now.” Grieving person: I couldn’t care less! I want them here with me now!
- What we learn: Closely following the death, a grieving person won’t find comfort in other people telling them that their loved one is “in a better place.” At that moment, they just want them back, and think there is no “better place” than being right here on Earth with them. It can also perpetuate confusing thoughts they are having about an afterworld, and it may induce guilt because they believed their whole lives that Heaven is a good place, but right now they don’t want that loved one to be in Heaven – they want them here.
Well-meaning person: “I know how you feel.” Grieving person: No losses are the same. Stop trying to compare your pain to my current pain. You can’t possibly feel exactly what I am feeling.
- What we learn: Comparing grief doesn’t get anyone anywhere. Even if you might think that it’s rational that you lost your loving mother and so did your friend, your friend isn’t in the headspace to start having that conversation. They want to be comforted – not told that their grief is comparable to yours, or anyone else’s, for that matter.
Well-meaning person: “It will get easier.” Grieving person: It’s impossible for me to forget the person I love, and will never move on from this strong, intense grief! It would be wrong to do that to them and their memory!
- What we learn: Williams points out, “Remember, this list is not about things that aren’t true. It is about things that aren’t helpful to say.” Rationally, we know that most people learn to live with the grief, and the pain doesn’t feel as strong or new over time, but when that bereaved person is still processing the death and feeling the fresh, raw sting of the loss, they want nothing other than for someone to recognize, accept, and hold their hand through their current reality. Additionally, they may feel like it’s unjust or cruel to start healing and “moving on” from the one they are grieving. They probably won’t want to even imagine the possibility of letting go of that pain to some extent. Giving them the space to feel their grief at the moment is crucial so that they know that your intentions are to be there if they ever need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to squeeze, or some more tissues delivered, and not to be imposing or offering what you think to be wisdom but they think to be insulting, hurtful, or condescending.
Well-meaning person: “God has a plan,” “It was God’s will,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Grieving person: Why would God plan or will something so painful to someone? Why would God make us suffer and feel pain like this? I don’t care if this is God’s plan or not – it sucks.
- What we learn: Many do find it comforting to think that there is a greater plan that God has for them. However, the grief and intense pain they feel now might cause them to doubt, or even hate, God, religion, or even their faith and beliefs as a whole. These troubling thoughts can even occur in the minds of very religious people. Williams says that it can even cause faith-based doubts in the minds of those who do not consider themselves religious. To sum up, Williams says, “Better safe than sorry – steer clear.”
Essentially, grieving people are uninterested in comparing or doubting anything. They just want to be listened to. Williams suggests doing things to remove stress and help them feel at ease during the process, whether that be sending over meals, arranging for childcare, or helping financially by collecting funds for the funeral costs, just to name a few. Frequently, those grieving don’t remember what you said, so don’t worry about possibly hurting a grieving friend or loved one in the past. Just focus on listening, being sympathetic, and loving.
While experiencing feelings of grief, some may have difficulties such as trouble sleeping, concentrating, eating, anger, extreme sadness, difficulty socializing, drinking alcohol, smoking, or using drugs, just to name a few. Some disorders related to grief or losing a loved one include acute stress disorder, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, prolonged grief disorder, and substance use disorder.
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